My First Memorial Service

My First Memorial Service

When I was 16 years old, I attended my first memorial service. Having never attended one before, I was very nervous. My schoolmate and friend had lost his father to cancer. So, my best friend, Tina, and I decided we would go to the service to show our respect. Now, in my earlier years, I did not cope well with new experiences. I felt much better surrounded by the safety of familiarity. So, this first-time experience of attending a memorial service had me quite on-edge.

Now, to establish a visual for this story, I need you to understand that Tina and I arrived at the church and it was packed for the service. We sat on the right side facing the chancel on the fourth row. Tina sat to my right. The family of the deceased sat on the front row.

The service began and all was going well. Nothing out of the ordinary; the music was nice, the message was fitting. I thought to myself, “Jamie, you’re doing fine. You’re going to get through this without a problem.” It is at precisely this moment of self-assurance that everything began to go terribly terribly wrong.

All of a sudden, the preacher invited everyone in the sanctuary to merge into the center aisle and walk forward to share their condolences with the family. My blood pressure and heart rate immediately hit the roof. I had absolutely no idea what to say in a situation like this and, now, I was being forced to confront my friend and his family. I was literally losing my mind. I couldn’t think and I was petrified with fear, and the line was moving.

I turned to Tina and I said, “What are you going to say? I don’t know what to say. What do you say to people when this happens? Dear Lord help me. Tell me what to say.” And Tina’s unhelpful reply was, “I don’t know what to say. What are you going to say? What do you say????” All the time the line is moving forward and I’m kicking myself for sitting in the fourth row. Instead of thinking of what to say, I was panicking and doing the math to figure out how much time I had before the confrontation was going to take place. I was an absolute wreck!

And then the moment came. First, I met my friend and all I could do was grab his shoulder and do that head nod thing that guys do. But I made it work. Phase one complete. Then came his sister and his mom and I did the stupid head nod thing again which does not work right with girls, I’m sorry. It just felt dumb. But I made it through it. Phase two complete. One phase left: my friend’s grandmother; the mother of the deceased. And this moment, ladies and gentlemen, is a moment that I shall unfortunately never forget. This dear woman who had just lost her son, took my hand so gently into hers and with moistened cheeks she turned her tear-filled eyes to me and said, “Thank you for coming.” And I said to her: …

“No problem – anytime.”

I walked away feeling so stupid. I wish I could tell you that the worst was over. I cannot.

As we’re making our way back, I turned to Tina and whispered, “Tina! What did you say to her?” And Tina replied, “Oh, I just told her ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’”

I’m sorry for your loss!! That’s Brilliant! What? You couldn’t have shared that little nugget of wisdom with me two minutes ago?!

Then Tina asked, “Well what did you say?” I said, “Tina… she took my hand and said, “Thank you for coming,” and I said, “NO PROBLEM – ANYTIME! Like, hey, if you have another kid die, I’M HERE FOR YOU!”

Folks, this is where the story goes from very bad to ridiculously awful.

We all have had a friend or two in life where you know each other so well that once you start laughing about something, you simply can’t stop. My grandmother and I were like that. She would tell me a story and I would laugh and then she would start laughing and then I would laugh at her laughing and she would laugh at me laughing at her and this vicious cycle would ensue leaving us out of breath and dizzy. Well, here it began with me and Tina.

Now, when you are laughing in a place where laughter does not belong, it is very difficult to stop. And Tina and I were having a laughing fit. We both had our heads down and, somehow, we made it back to the pew and sat down. I put my head down right away because no way was I going to let people see me laughing in a memorial service. Tina did the same thing. And then, it happened. Everything suddenly went from very bad to ridiculous to ultimate worst ever! As I was hunched over trying to control my laughter, with my shoulders no doubt bouncing up and down, I felt it. I felt a hand touch the top of my back, and it began to move in a circular motion. You see, someone had noticed the obvious grief that two young people were experiencing over the loss of someone they knew, and that person had decided to give comfort where it was needed.

Now, people, where I grew up in the south, and where I went to church, if you saw someone getting hands laid on them in church, you joined them! That was just the way it worked. So, people began to follow suit. I felt a second hand on my back and then a third and I looked peripherally at Tina and a crowd of people was now developing around us. And I was still laughing!! I tell you the truth, I think the church got fuller right at that moment. I think there were people outside on the sidewalk and their little Christian radar went up and they knew that a laying-on-of-the-hands was taking place in that building and they were called to action.

What felt like 440 minutes was probably more like two, but I finally composed myself enough to feel like I could trust myself to sit up and I did and the crowd began to disperse and I did not look over at Tina again until class on Monday morning.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Forgive each other as often as possible and treasure that someone who helps you laugh at all the right moments and maybe even some of the wrong ones. Thank you for sharing a bit of your time with me today.

I continue to be,

Jamie